Saturday, July 11, 2009

Da Feet

Folks, I have had enough! Having seen what I have seen, endured what I have endured, it's time for action. Time for an official decree to be made into law. What's that? By whose authority am I acting? Never you mind such details. Suffice it to say that I have been given this authority by top people. Top people. This edict goes out to all of you whose feet display any of the following symptoms:
  • Funky looking or smelling;
  • Deformed in any way;
  • Disgusting nail problems;
  • Unchecked nail growth;
  • Non-standard big toe to second toe length ratio.
If you suffer from any of the above afflications, you are no longer allowed to go into public (and this includes walking out to the mailbox or out to get the morning paper) without full foot coverage. This requires socks that go up to at least the ankle (preferrably the knee or even mid-quad) and proper shoe-wear. Sandals or open-toed shoes of any kind are strictly forbidden. People need to keep in mind that we are living in a society. A society!

From this moment forward, only people who have completed a lengthy and costly application process and are properly foot certified may go out in public wearing sandals or what are termed "flip-flops". The world has had enough given that quantifiable bile production is off the charts. These measures may seem Draconian at first, but you will get used to them (plus you have no choice). Very soon you will notice that the world is a much better and safer place to live and in which to go about your day-to-day business. Fin.