Friday, July 31, 2009


I made a comment in my Community Group the other night that seemed, at first utterance, to be completely self-contradictory. What I found out, however, is that several others in the group felt the same way at times.

I have been struggling recently as a couple in my group just got married, another just got engaged, and the other couples or individuals are very happy and satisfied and fulfilled in their relationships. There is so much happiness that I sometimes want to puke. I have been alone for so long that it is taking a noticeable toll on me. I have tried to work on myself, to improve, to grow, to deal with some long-standing problems and issues that I knew had to be faced, but I am alone as alone can be. The happiness of others just sickens me at times. I know, I know, I am a horrible person for saying this. I seem to be ruled by petty jealousy, by feelings of "If they can be happy then why can't I?", by feelings of "I have as much to offer as any of them.", by sentiments of "Why me?", "How did I get to this place?", "What did I do to deserve this?", "Maybe I really am not worthy of having someone.". Ultimately it turns out that I am ruled and dominated by feelings of regret from my past and a life that is racing by.

My remark in community group focussed on the fact that I am so sick and tired of being alone, but most times my mindset is that I just don't want to be around other people. I think it is that I just don't want to see how happy everyone is, I just don't want to be reminded of how sorry my life has become. I just have this sense that I need to be alone just to feel miserable. It is not meant to be a public display for sympathy. It is something intensely personal. The interesting thing is that others in the group had occasionally felt like this at times in their lives. The difference in my case is that this attitude is, apparently, not particularly temporary. In his wonderful memoir, "Darkness Visible", William Styron said when describing his deep depression, there is this indescribable sense that if the cure to your condition was sitting right in front of you, a cure that could turn your whole life around in the blink of an eye, you just wouldn't have the strength to reach out and take it. I have this sense and it pervades my mind. I feel marooned on an island. I used to be able to see and hear others, even to communicate with them. However, almost inperceptibly with time, their voices and presence have faded away to the point that I don't sense them all that much any more.

Perhaps though, it is time for a paradigm shift. Suppose I just accept my lot in life. Learn how to be alone, to be productive, to contribute where I can. If a rescue plane happens to come anywhere near my location, I will then set fires, jump up and down, and try to be noticed. If that happens, I will rejoice and celebrate, but if it doesn't happen, I need to find a way to live and be satisfied and fulfilled. Well, this notion sounds good anyway.