When I bend my knees I hear the popping sounds of a bowl of Rice Krispies on PEDs (i.e. performance-enhancing drugs). When I get up from the seated position, I grunt like a musk ox birthing a calf. When I go outside into the daylight for more than 34 seconds, I must worry about getting too much sun on my head. On cloudy days my joints hurt. When I exert myself in the slightest fashion or use any muscles that are not a standard part of my repertoire, I can be assured that I will feel the aches and pains the next day (and the day after and the day after that). Granted I am past my peak, but I did not expect such a rapid decline. I used to be unstoppable, vigorous, and invincible. Now I am stoppable, lethargic, and open for looting. What scares the heck out of me is where my health and body condition will be in 10 years, given the strong decay function from my 20s to my 30s to my 40s. I have already survived several bouts of cancer, severe heart problems, and my knees are nearly worthless. About the only conditions that I have not had in the past decade are the bubonic plague (a.k.a. the black death), Lou Gehrig disease (a.k.a. Mel Ott disease), lupus, bovine spongiform encephalopathy, and mobile coronary rheumatoid urinary disease (or "creeping crud" for short). Perhaps though I have spoken too soon because I think my tongue is swelling up as we speak and I have a craving for pickles. But I digress. The point is, getting old is a thoroughly discouraging prospect, both physically and mentally. People who say that they don't mind getting old are either fooling themselves or psychotic.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Ravages of Age
When I bend my knees I hear the popping sounds of a bowl of Rice Krispies on PEDs (i.e. performance-enhancing drugs). When I get up from the seated position, I grunt like a musk ox birthing a calf. When I go outside into the daylight for more than 34 seconds, I must worry about getting too much sun on my head. On cloudy days my joints hurt. When I exert myself in the slightest fashion or use any muscles that are not a standard part of my repertoire, I can be assured that I will feel the aches and pains the next day (and the day after and the day after that). Granted I am past my peak, but I did not expect such a rapid decline. I used to be unstoppable, vigorous, and invincible. Now I am stoppable, lethargic, and open for looting. What scares the heck out of me is where my health and body condition will be in 10 years, given the strong decay function from my 20s to my 30s to my 40s. I have already survived several bouts of cancer, severe heart problems, and my knees are nearly worthless. About the only conditions that I have not had in the past decade are the bubonic plague (a.k.a. the black death), Lou Gehrig disease (a.k.a. Mel Ott disease), lupus, bovine spongiform encephalopathy, and mobile coronary rheumatoid urinary disease (or "creeping crud" for short). Perhaps though I have spoken too soon because I think my tongue is swelling up as we speak and I have a craving for pickles. But I digress. The point is, getting old is a thoroughly discouraging prospect, both physically and mentally. People who say that they don't mind getting old are either fooling themselves or psychotic.
