Saturday, May 16, 2009

Inner Peace

There are times in my life, which seem to descend on me all too frequently, where my mind and my heart are completely overcome by turmoil. I am anxious, filled with anger, abandonment, and despair. Regardless of how many blessings I have to be thankful for, I tend to focus more on the losses in my life than the wins. I fully admit that I have a hard time gracefully navigating my way through my days of trouble and life at times feels like it is too much for me. I have spent a lot of time considering the following two Bible verses:

And God's peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7 (Amplified Bible).

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

In my darkest times, where I no longer wish to continue, I wonder where this peace is. I wonder why this peace just doesn't wash over me as I need. I wonder why I have been seemingly left alone. In these times, I wonder what God defines as my "strength" limit. Is just getting through the storm what He has in mind? Is getting through the storm but still looking to him with full conviction the goal? Part of my problem is that I too often don't have the patience to wait for his timing and I want my problems taken away on my time table. I put my wants and desires ahead of his plan. Realization of this fact only serves to make me feel worse. Kind of a negative feedback loop. Part of God's plan, I suspect, is to break me, like a wild stallion is broken, until my thoughts of control are removed and I learn to follow his direction without question.