Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Poop Polka Dots

The punch line to an old joke goes as follows, "You hold the bird and I'll poop on it". I really think this statement stands on its own, whether or not you even know what the joke is. Now, now, I can hear some of you clucking in the background, so I will at least tell you the joke is about two statues (a male and a female form) that are brought to life by a spirit and are told that they can do whatever they want for an hour. They spend that hour, not admiring each other's nude forms, but defecating on the birds out of hundreds of years of built up rage. Revenge! O.K. you say, Dan that is extremely mirthful and you are a genius, but why are you sharing this? Well, it is because I must have done something recently to upset the avian population because my car and the screens on my house have been used as so much target practice the last few weeks. My guess is that either a single bird with a horrible digestive tract problem or a flock of wayward albatrosses is responsible. There can be no other explanation. My car, normally dark blue in color, has been coated with poop polka dots (or poopa dots). I clean the car, and right before my eyes, it is covered with these markings again. If that is not bad enough, the screens in my house (and the windows right behind them) have been continually covered with bird "discharge" recently. The mess and ensuing toxic contamination are so bad, local property values are plummeting, and this has nothing to do with the current economy! I have been pondering what I could have done to upset the forlorn flying fowls (notice the clever use of alliteration here) in my neighborhood. Perhaps they saw me recently consuming a bucket of the Colonel's finest. I will have to be more careful next time.