Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I laid seige to your fortress with flattery and fanfare. Against your better judgment, you eventually opened your gates and granted me passage. If you knew then what would occur in time, you would have ordered your archers to let fly their arrows. You would have signaled the warriors on your ramparts to unleash the cauldrons of boiling oil upon my head. If I knew then what I know now, I would have remained deep in the forests, and been satisfied only to admire you from afar.

With access came trust and touch, but you could not possibly understand the demons that were racing through my mind. One moment I was overcome with delerious joy that I was walking in that wild garden. The bird song was ever so sweet, with beauty unsurpassed in any kingdom near or far. The fog within me at times dissipated giving me purpose and vitality. Finally, I had a chance to demonstrate that the scars from past battles lost were not for naught. I thought for a moment that I had finally found my smile, that the peace that I had so longed for was just coming into my grasp.

However, in the next moment, I betrayed you with a dagger slashed across your throat. The kill was all too easy for me, all too predictable. I acted not out of maliciousness, not out of some warrior mentality wherein one is unsatisfied with today's conquest. Rather, I ran because all at once my sad little world was overwhelmed by your light. Like the nausea that ensues when trying to eat a royal feast after going so long with nary a morsel. I just never could find a moment to gain my balance, to find my feet. I was running at a pace that I couldn't sustain, poisoning myself by acting against the truths that I held most dear, killing myself trying to figure out how to gain control. When I could not, I bolted for the gate and back into the forests. I ran with my tail between my legs like recreant vermin. Forever and a day I send you my deepest, my most humble apologies. If only ...