Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Unstable Equilibrium

In one of the deepest valleys of my life, I found counsel, a listening ear, and a sympathetic heart from a colleague of mine. We spent quite some hours talking and praying together. It was at that time that I transferred to a new job in a different state to help move on with my life. With the passage of years, those old wounds have scarred over and I have found some sort of new equilibrium. I have found that this equilibrium is fairly tenuous, and it doesn't take too much to drive me into a state of lingering anxiety, depression, negativity, and despair.

My usual motus operandi is to quickly lose contact with folks after a move, but in the case of my old colleague, I felt separation of any connection with the past and those old wounds was best for me. Thus I have had very little contact with him over the last few years. In fact, the last time that I saw him was about 3 years ago when he traveled to the lab where I work to give a lecture. During his visit we had lunch and chatted for a few hours, yet because we parted when my life was in tatters and this was his last point of reference for our relationship, he returned to that same point. In truth, I did not enjoy the lunch very much because he wanted to talk about things that still caused me pain. The last thing that I wanted to do was talk about the past and rekindle its presence in my mind.

A few weeks ago, my old colleague visited my lab again to attend a multi-day workshop. I knew that he would try to seek me out to say hello and "catch up". When I knew that he would be attending, I stayed far away from any place where I was likely to run into him. I had to protect myself and guard my heart and mind.