Monday, September 21, 2009

I Need ... I

I want to explore a bit my relationship with God, in particular, how to keep my relationship with him fresh and exciting. I want to avoid falling into routines, doing things out of habit or without a sense of that first spark of accepting him. I want to understand what I need.

Ahhh that new car smell. It pulls us in and reminds us of what we have in our new car. It invigorates us and makes us go the extra mile in caring for what we have. Eventually, the odor begins to fade away and we become forgetful, even unappreciative. Little things that we used to do early on, like vacuuming the interior or washing the exterior, are done less and less frequently. These tasks move subtly from being something we enjoy to a vexing, time-consuming chore. Eventually we stop trying altogether and we just go on with our lives.

Lately I have felt a sense of this relational decline in my walk with God. When we had just started out together, everything was new and fresh. Giving of my time and energy and money and attention was very much a joy. Sitting down with the Bible and carefully reading it for the first time. Volunteering with my church. Beginning to understand my relationship with the most high God. Initially, they all very much had that new car smell. There were moments in the early days where I could be by myself reading scripture and I felt that I was not alone. The Holy Spirit was right there helping me to see things that I never could have otherwise. I remember the tingling feelings of excitement during my volunteer times. I was there for the right reasons and I got as much out of those times as I put in. I loved interacting with God's people, building relationships and learning what it meant to be a Christian. All too often now I find myself dreading my volunteer times. The newness is gone, replaced with feelings of "not again" or "I don't want to". Excitement has been replaced by drudgery and routine. I have even noticed that in my quiet times of study or prayer, I feel more and more alone. The more this sense pervades me, the more that feelings of apathy and doubt course through my veins. I must figure out what I need to do.

(Part 1 of 2)