My usual state of mind when she is not with me is to leave the lights on the tree unplugged. Just let it stay cold and lifeless. I think I do this to ensure I make myself as miserable as possible. For some sick reason I want to heap on more and more stuff that adds to my already overwhelming knowledge that I am alone. Somehow leaving the lights on the tree unplugged serves this dark desire in me. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense.
With that being said, I also think that there is another reason why I don't push that plug into the outlet and let the colorful lights paint the inside of my house with their wonderful palette of reds and greens and blues and yellows. I think that I want to save whatever magic they have left all for her. It seems to me like a finite resource, precious and dear. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense.
Last night I was wrapping her gifts. I searched my heart and thought about the smiles and laughter and fun that these packages will bring to both of us. For her in the expectation and the receiving. For me in the giving. In that moment my past didn't matter and the reasons for my present didn't either. It was then that I was certain that those lights had enough magic for me too, so I reached over and plugged them in. Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense. But it doesn't have to.