Friday, February 5, 2010

Simpler Times

Sometimes the thoughts that run through my mind cause me to catch my breath. They seem to come from someone much older than me, from a place that I don't recognize. Perhaps they are the result of a seed planted by my parents, but I'm not certain. Recently, there have been some things happening in my life that are completely overwhelming my systems, putting me under an enormous weight, crushing me with an incessant pressure. These things I had pondered and hoped for over a very long period of time. I thought they would bring me joy and pleasure and peace and happiness. However, I feel anxious, nervous, and trapped. Even, at times, unable to function. My mind is racing with a longing for simpler times, when there was just me and my little world. The trouble is, my rampant thoughts of simpler times make me feel like I am channeling some old fogey. Surely this cannot be me, can it? If it is, then I don't think that I truly understand myself or what I want in this world.

All of this has left me feeling kind of foolish. I have chased after something for so very long. Now that I have it in my grasp, it seems like it is too much for me to handle. Whenever I try to find just a few moments to reflect, to come back to equilibrium, to find my inner peace, to come up for air, it swells up, drowns me out, and pulls me under. I am left pulled in several directions by desires and forces and urges that I just don't comprehend. Moments of lucid thought presently seem hard to find. Where do I go now?