Saturday, February 27, 2010

Baby Names

In a development perhaps not unexpected in a Catholic Church setting, three members of my church Community Group are pregnant. Two things may surprise you by this statement. The first is that my church is not a Catholic Church, we carry more of a Protestantarian nature. The second is that all of those that are pregnant are females. Well, maybe this latter bit is not unexpected, but the first is pretty interesting. There are only about 10 of us in the group and none of the women were pregnant when our group first formed. I can only wonder who will be next and what it was that our hosts put into the crab dip that first night.

Anyhoo, I am getting diverted from my planned discussion for today. I want to instead focus on the huge decision each of these women will have to make in the coming weeks and months. What will they name their offspring? You may think that this is not a big deal. Just pick some name at random from the "internet". Or if that seems too technologically advanced, they could name them after the second cousin on their mother's brother's side. In response to this, I say "Hold on there cowboy!". Names are crucial, absolutely crucial to our futures. With the wrong name choice, you will most certainly doom your children to very specific career choices. Let me illustrate with some convincing and chilling examples:
  • Jeeves - butler
  • L. Ron - cult leader
  • Orenthal - glove model
  • Cher - drag queen
  • Jemina - syrup magnate
  • Scarlett - drama queeen
  • Sirhan - assassin
  • Blackbeard - pirate
  • Hannibal - cannibalistic elephant wrangler
  • Ghenghis - Mongol emperor
  • Rasputin - mystic monk
  • Caligula - insane tyrant