Monday, June 24, 2013


I agreed to let my friend Kai interview me today. I think that after reading this, you can likely form your own picture of who she is and what she is like. I haven't been around her for all that long, but she lacks a filter. However, I can say that she speaks from her heart. It seems that she masks a lot of hurt with her words. She would likely say that I do very much the same. So without further ado, here we go.

Kai : So, do you like my titties?

RTZ : Kai, please. I want you to take this seriously. I need you to be respectful.

Kai : Just wanted ta see if U was a man of your word. Ya said I could ask what I wanted.

RTZ : I try my best to honor my word, I really do. But I think that I often find myself struggling against my true nature.

Kai : Brother we all gots struggles. I've hanged wit you lots a times. You always seem lost, like youz waiting for something.

RTZ : I think I have never healed from my divorce.

Kai : Do ya still think about her in bed?

RTZ : Kai ... Sure I think about her and what she gave me. I think about how she strengthened me and challenged me to be a man. I miss her smiles and her hugs and her company. I miss having someone to come home to.

Kai : You don't think about her in bed? I'd roll wit ya.

RTZ : Kai, you of all people should know that sex too early in a relationship can be a killer. Jumping into bed with someone can completely short circuit laying down deep roots. Instead of talking and forging real and lasting bonds, all you want to do is get into bed. When there is nothing but lust and physical touch, it can fool you into thinking there is a deeper level of intimacy and trust than there is.

Kai : You wouldn't want to lay with me?

RTZ : Kai, you know that is not who I am or what I am looking for. I want to find someone to share my life with. Someone who looks at me and sees everything and still loves me.

Kai : You into guys?

RTZ : Why do you ask that?

Kai : You don't want ta get wit me and you ain't got any tang in years. Plus you said I could ask anythang.

RTZ : At this point in my life, I have considered lots of different things in my desperation. I'm sick of being rejected and being alone. Sometimes your mind goes to places when you are really down, some of them can be very dark indeed. But to answer your question, I dream of meeting a beautiful woman and falling in love and having someone to share my life. All that romance stuff.

Kai : You ain't young.

RTZ : No I'm not. But I still have a few good years left before I spontaneously combust.

Kai : Whats dat?

RTZ : It's where you suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames. I was trying to be funny.

Kai : For reals??

RTZ : Maybe.

Kai : If you so sad and mopey all da time - how you gonna find anyone. The candy ain't gonna come knock knock knocking on ya door.

RTZ : For a few years I really tried to put myself out there. I tried to meet people and make friends. Most of them moved away. Others had too much going on to have time to be friends.

Kai : Why don't you just go to a bar and hang out? I bet you could hook up quick.

RTZ : I spent enough time in bars when I was younger to last me a lifetime. It just isn't me any more. As the kids say, "That just ain't my scene babe."

Kai : What kids?

RTZ : I don't know, Sammy Davis Jr.'s kids.

Kai : Who? Ya got any Fresca?