Monday, October 29, 2012

Founding Fathers

In case you might have missed the subtle inferences on the evening news, we are in the midst of "election season", which is kind of like autumn, only more gubernatorial. In this period, you are quite apt to hear mention of our founding fathers (FFs) and what they would most certainly order on their pizzas. The FFs were the exclusive group of upper class white males who wore comical hair pieces and came up with the constitution. Of course, a common dude or dudette cruising along the colonial boulevards on their way to the candle shoppe, saw what these guys were selling, were a might displeased, and quickly tacked on a bunch of additions. Of this list of "amendments", some stand out more than others, such as:
  • First amendment - protects the freedom of speech, religion, and the right to urinate in public after a night out shooting one's musket.
  • Second amendment - protects a southerners right to bare arms.
  • Fourth amendment - prohibits unreasonable seizures, unless one is quite ill.
  • Seventh amendment - provides the right to trial by fire.
  • Sixteenth amendment - allows the federal government to take whatever it sees fit from your paycheck whether you voted for Mayor McCheese or not.
The most recent amendment written into the constitution (using a "Sharpie"-type marker directly on the original parchment) was added in 1992. Because of the great trust of the citizenry toward those in political office, this 27th amendment allowed members of Congress to decide their own salary.

Now that I have lived through another season of Major League Baseball, I think it is high time we unilaterally add another amendment. This one, I think you will agree, should have been in place from the very beginning. My new amendment would prohibit any person who is not on the active roster of a major league team from saying "we" when referring to how a team played. This amendment, of course, would apply for all professional sports leagues.