Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hey Jealousy

You want me to share? ... I'd rather just sit here and listen. ... I mean, the thoughts rattling around my head are pretty dark. ... I don't want anyone to see how twisted my mind really is. ... Well, maybe, on the other hand, if I get it out there, someone will be able to help me ... heal.

There is this guy I know. I call him my friend, but we are really just, well, acquaintances. I usually see him once a week and we exchange some light chatter for only a minute or two. Sometimes we leave comments on each other's blogs. He is about 15 years younger than I. I mean, I respect him as a person. He sets a good example for those around him and he has a lot of friends. I think he respects me too, but he really doesn't know all that much about me. Maybe if he did ...

Well this guy and his wife had some sort of fertility problem, I don't know the details, but they wanted to start a family. They tried lots of stuff and saw lots of doctors, but nothing worked. Anyway, to make a long story short, they just gave birth to twins. Now they are both just busting because they never thought they would get this opportunity. It's like they already had so much going for them, and now they get another major blessing. Then you see them surrounded by dozens and dozens of friends and supporters.

I mean, I'm happy for them too, but my feelings run deeper than that. Most of my joy for them has been stolen by my own poor choices and bad luck in life. I don't even want to admit it to myself, but my joy for my friend is being overwhelmed by jealousy. I mean, why can't I ..., dang, I hate that I feel this way ... Well, that's it, that's everything. ... I told you it was messed up.

... for love is strong as death; jealousy as fierce as the grave.