Monday, March 15, 2010

Disaster-free Vacation

I usually turn to to catch up on my news. However, sometimes I come to think their reports lack just a little bit of common sense, a little bit of real-world perspective. The other day they had posted a story headlined "What to do if disaster hits your trip". The intro read:

"If disaster strikes when you are traveling, preparation before departure could be what keeps you safe and gets you home."

They then listed the disasters that have plagued travelers of late, including earthquakes, rogue waves, tsunamis, flooding, landslides, questionable food, and bad service. Here, I boil down into a synopsis-type format the gist of exactly what the well-considered folks at cnn would have us do to be better prepared.
  • Earthquakes: Spend your entire vacation sitting in an aircraft locked in a cloverleaf landing pattern over a major city where there has been no earthquake. One possibility is Liberty airport in Newark.
  • Rogue Waves: Stay the heck off the water, or at the very least, never go anywhere near a cruise ship. For goodness sake, don't even contemplate reruns of The Love Boat. This is just like the scientific truism that tornados only touch down in trailer parks, so rogue waves only strike cruise ships.
  • Tsunamis: Take your vacations only in third-world, land-locked countries. Preferably, countries that have a somewhat stable socio-economic system where cannabilism is at least frowned upon.
  • Flooding: Don't overfill the tub in your luxurious hotel suite and you should be fine. Perhaps even consider limiting your bathing to a quick wipe down with a moist towelette.
  • Landslides: Do not play the 1975 album Fleetwood Mac and you should be quite safe, quite safe.
  • Questionable Food: Always pack your own snacks, bringing along a fully-loaded steamer-type trunk on any excurion that takes you more than 100 ft away from your abode. No exceptions!
  • Bad Service: Be sure to bring along your full kitchen staff on your get-away, for a care-free, fun-loving, hyphen-rich good time.