Friday, January 22, 2010

The Quest

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you made yourself sick? I would bet that, at one time or another, we all have worked ourselves up into a frothy lather over something. What about that toy you wanted as a kid or your first car? Perhaps it was your first house or that promotion at work or an award? Have you ever carried on for so long over something that it became your white whale? Perhaps, like me, when you did not get what you wanted and thought that your dreams might never become reality, you fell into a deep-seated, life-sucking state of depression. I would suspect that we have all been in this position at some point in our lives. I would further venture to guess that the "something" is more often a "someone" than not. Perhaps you pursued someone who turned you away, or you focussed on a person that you did not have the courage to approach. In my case, the quest is for someone to share my life with. I have gotten to a point where I am so sick of being alone that it hurts, deeply. I think that nobody else could ever possibly feel as bad as I do, could ache as much as I do, could feel as lonely as I do, or could feel as unworthy and unlovable as I do. Instead of spurring me to seek out life and enjoy the adventure, depression has driven me deeper into hiding.

However, sometimes at our nadir, for no clear reason, the sun breaks through the clouds and shines on our face, replacing the lingering darkness. In an instant, mere existence can transform into full-fledged living. You get that toy, that car, that house, that promotion, that award. Sometimes, you find that someone. The quest may seem to have come to fruition. However, sometimes, even though the quest has reached its conclusion, the journey has just begun.