Monday, February 2, 2009

Foul Emanations

Are you someone whose breath is continually fetid, whose exhalations smell like you've had a dead possum decaying in your mouth for more than 3 months? Is it possible that you do but don't realize your condition? You might be going around the office or your home offending everyone that you come into contact with. Think back over the past week. Have you been offered lots of mints? You must understand that when these offers are made, it is not because people are feeling generous and want to give their hard-earned mints away to just anybody. They are really saying to you, please, for the love of Pete do something about your foul aura. Are you too thick to understand these subtle gestures? If you don't do something about your halitosis, your family and/or co-workers will have to move beyond subtle ploys and silent prayers. They ultimately will be forced to call in the Hazmat team to deal with you. I can assure you that this experience will be most unpleasant. Two big goons named Moose and Rocco will hold you down against your will and scrub out your malodorous, loathsome, putrid pie hole with a long-handled scrub brush while you gurgle and coo your obvious displeasure. I suspect that you will be burping soap bubbles for the rest of the week. So take heed and note the warning signs. Do flowers wilt when you breathe on them? Do babies scream in terror as you approach? Do hobos run away from you? If so, then stop and think. You might need a tic-tac brand breath mint.

To make today's lesson really hit home with a real-world example from my own life, I want to share the story of how bad breath can impact those around you. I was scheduled to take an oral exam in college in the office of my professor. The scheduled time was 1:00 p.m., just after lunch. My professor showed up reeking so horribly, my eyes watered and the colors in my shirt started to bleed. I could barely get the answers out as his foul countenance worked to liquify my brain. It was a tortuous hour I can assure you. So please, before another innocent life is marred, be sensitive to those around you, brush after every meal.