Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Weight Loss Secrets

If you go to the self-help section of your local bookstore or library, you will find literally dozens of books on the secrets to effective weight loss. If you type in "weight loss" at Amazon, they list more than 3000 publications! Judging by the titles of these books, it is apparent that your unwanted flab and fat will instantaneously melt off your body if you eat only grapefruit or kiwi or Scandanavian tubers. Apparently different authors come to different conclusions. But anyone who has tried to lose weight through dietary changes or exercise knows that both of these approaches are crocks. All they do is cost you time and money, and often leave your girth even more impressive than when you started. Folks, I am here to tell you the straight poop on how to effectively lose weight. I am not talking about a few worthless pounds, I am talking about how to go from morbidly obese to crack skinny in just days. I have personally experienced these four weight loss approaches and can assure you with 100% certainty that they are as good as gold.
  • 1. Severe depression - A bout with severe depression, will suck away your appetite almost as much as your will to live. Pretty soon that death in the family or that pesky divorce will be worth it when you see the new you in the mirror.
  • 2. Uber laxatives - If you have had major surgery recently, one of the pre-op fun-time activities is the requirement to ingest large quantities of mind-numbingly powerful laxatives. These special concoctions force you to purge nearly every last cell in your body. You will go from fat to fabulous long before you notice that you have run out of toilet paper.
  • 3. Tropical centipedes - Getting up to half a dozen bites from a tropical beastie will have you purging over the toilet bowl for days on end. As opposed to laxatives, this purging comes out the other end. Oh the colors are absolutely dazzling and that burning sensation you feel in your throat means that the process is working.
  • 4. Tumor removal - For those that are super lucky to have their weight issues fully contained with a body tumor, one quick trip to surgery will have you looking like a runway model in less than a day. If you survive being carved up like a Christmas goose, you can definitely look forward to the upcoming summer swimsuit season.