Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Death by Carrots

Vegetables are nasty, on that we all agree. The citizens of ancient Rome found these plant growths so objectionable, that they used to carry them by the armful to the Colosseum to launch at the ne'er-do-wells down in the fighting pits. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know, then perhaps you are just not a fan of the res publica. Anyway, where was I? ... Oh yes, the vileness of the common vegetable. I will reluctantly and begrudgingly admit that most "scientific"-type research seems to indicate, however, that vegetables are good for you. Something about riboflavinoids and phytochemicals. Doesn't that sound like a delicious taste treat? To be forthcoming, I will at least come clean and say that there have been a couple of times when I was starving or trying to impress a date when I did willingly eat a vegetable. Of course, it was swimming in butter and wrapped in bacon, but do not miss my point, which is, vegetables are trouble. I can tell you that the moment that you let your guard down, POW!, right in the kisser. Let me share with you a chilling cautionary tale.

I was eating a small container of carrots the other day at lunch when I was viciously assailed. A partially munched mouthful purposefully took a wrong turn on its way to its intended destination, my stomach. This caused me to cough with such violent force that this carrot wad shot up into my sinus cavity. As I lay on the ground hacking and twitching, I could find no relief. My only hope in this agony was that I wouldn't succomb in that moment. "Death by Carrots" would be an utterly pathetic etching on my tombstone.