Thursday, August 13, 2009

Fact or Fiction

I want to put you all to the test, to gauge your ability to separate fact from fiction. Do you have what it takes? Much rests on your ability to answer the question that I am about to put to you. Is the following T.V. show plot line fact or fiction? Weigh in with your guesses.

A man called the Guinness record folks as he believes he has passed the world's biggest poo (B.M.) (of course his wife is mortified). They direct him to Zürich's European Fecal Standards and Measurements Institute (EFSMI), where it is verified that his B.M. is indeed the biggest. However, something is not quite right. There is a strange vibe in the air. During the man's award ceremony, a video of Bono (lead singer of U2) interrupts the festivities. Bono, who it turns out was the previous record holder, claims he has just reset the record and his claim is accepted based on a sketchy poo photo. The man is devastated. He goes into a deep depression because he feels worthless that his B.M., of which he was so proud, was the only thing that he ever produced that was any good, and now it has been rejected.

The man has a loyal boy who goes to personally visit Bono at his mansion to plead with him to relinquish the record as his dad has never won anything and Bono has so much. The boy earnestly asks Bono to be satisfied with being "number two". Bono goes into a wild rage and threatens the boy and kicks him out of his mansion. As the boy is leaving with his heart in his hand, apparently failing in his quest, Bono's butler seeks him out and tells him that Bono set the original record for the largest B.M. in 1960, the year of his birth! Thus it seems that Bono is not the record holder, he is the record, i.e. Bono is that original recording-setting B.M..

In Zürich, the EFSMI society leader, who has acted suspiciously since the initial claim of the man, explains that he took the world's biggest B.M. in 1960 and was so proud, he raised it as his own. With the passage of time, the poo grew into Bono. This helps us to understand why Bono is ashamed and upset at being referred to as "number two" and will go to any length to prove that he is number one. As all of this comes out into the open, Bono becomes inconsolable until his dad offers him his teat to comfort him. In the mean time, the man, who was convinced by his friends to train to set a new record by eating exclusively at P.F. Changs, takes a B.M. that is so grand, he is lifted 10 feet in the air and reclaims the record. This feat is viewed as so important and so spectacular, the man is awarded an Emmy.