Thursday, July 3, 2014

When Nature Calls

O.K., I will admit it. That shrill girlish scream that you just heard, ..., well that was likely me. But I will state in all forthrightness in my defense, it was the bird's fault. Likely you too, put in the same situation, would not have handled yourself with as much aplomb and, dare I say, grace, as I did. I mean, I only peed myself just a little. It was hardly even noticeable. As evidence, I would submit that I didn't even crack the glass in the door as I slammed it shut. Perhaps I should just lay out the full story and let you decide.

I had just finished my dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. It was about 6:30 p.m. and I wanted to go outside on my porch and read for a little while before the sun started to set. I gathered up my book and my beverage, and then began to head outside. I turned the lock on the french doors leading to my deck, swung the door open in a rather carefree manner, and was just about to step outside, when my eye befell a deranged blackbird right in front of me. It was most assuredly giving me the eye and its mouth was in its full upright and locked position. I'm no ornithologist, but this feathered beastie should have been certified as non compos mentis. If I had continued with my normal stride, my foot would have come down right on top of this foul avian. It might have been rendered an unbird but for my quick, cat-like reflexes. I did not utter a girlish, heady scream in panic, it was merely a call to the creature to flee back to its nest. My slamming of the door was not an act of yellow-streaked cowdarice, but an alert to this blackbird's brethen, aka turdus merula, to come swiftly to his aid.

This critter remained frozen in position with its mouth wide open for 15 minutes. It was then that I decided to boldly take steps to reclaim my dominant position as alpha male on my property. So, I snuck around through the side door to access my porch. I only took this circuituous route and gave my confused friend a wide berth so as not to cause him further duress. I assure you it was not because my heart was still thumping like a bunny. After another 15 minutes, the birdy took a couple of awkward hops to the edge of the deck and disappeared from sight. As the dust started to settle from this harrowing ordeal, I realized that I had sucked down every last drop of my tea and that I needed to head right back inside as nature was calling.