Friday, October 21, 2011


You might know that it is referred to by the American Indians as maize. But to you and me it is good ol' corn. Popped, boiled, baked, and microwaved. Slathered in butter and sprinkled with salt. Tasty and delicious. However, for a Massachusetts family of four, corn has come to represent the mark of the beast. What started as an afternoon of good, clean, family fun quickly turned into pure frozen terror.

I came across this story from a number of different news outlets the other morning. A family with two regulation size younglings, paid for the opportunity to wander through a corn maze in the happening town of Danvers (the "mile-behind city"). After a few minutes they got disoriented and lost their way and could not seem to make any progress toward locating an exit. They were obviously lost amongst the niblets for a long while, because closing time rolled around and the owners closed up the shop and headed off for a nightcap at Skeeter's watering hole. Then inky blackness started to close in on the once plucky group of corn explorers. As the night wrapped itself around them, they began to scream in utter panic. I believe that they even considered cannibalizing the youngest child should the Zagnut bars in their fanny packs run out or if they were feeling a bit peckish.

Apparently they forgot they could walk through the corn in a straight line back toward the parking area. They also seemed to forget that the corn field was only about an acre in size. Oh, and they forgot that all of them, including baby Unser Herman, were loaded with enough electronic communication gizmos and GPS devices to stage a Navy Seal mission. Ultimately, the end game of this episode was captured on a 911 emergency call. The dispatcher initially thought the whole thing was a poorly played joke, but as his laughter quelled, he finally understood that this group of "average" folks (apparently with roots in West Virginia) tweren't fooling. He then made an off-handed comment about the need to "thin the herd" before finally sending over new recruit, Deputy Barney Pimpleface, to lead them to safety. Oh, for corn sake!