Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gloom, Despair, and Agony

The lyrics to a famous Wagnerian aria made famous by the beloved opera tenor Placido Polanco go as follows (note that I have translated these scrupulously from Wagner's native tongue - Swedish):

Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Can you relate? How has your luck played out over the past few weeks? Mine has been, in a word, rather suckish. Well, actually that is two words, but as Matt Damon famously asked in his Oscar winning screenplay for Sunset Boulevard, what's in a word? I submit to you the following examples from my own personal life that would absolutely ruin the average man (yet somehow I manage to soldier on):
  • I follow two teams in baseball. The Boston Red Sox and the Atlanta Braves. The Red Sox just blew the biggest September lead in the history of the universe. The Braves, well they gagged and wretched away the second biggest September lead in the history of foreverness. Both teams missed the playoffs in impressive, get-your-hopes-up-but-dash-your-heart-on-the-rocks-at-the-last-instant fashion on the last day of the season.
  • I had a truck load of top soil delivered to my property just a few days before my area received 3 straight weeks of torrential, never-ending freakin' rain fall. Now I have a collosal mud pit in my front yard, suitable for mucking pigs or extreme wrestling.
  • My yard has been overrun with mole-type vermin. When I recognized their calling card, I geared up like Rambo and set out to show them no mercy. Now several hundred dollars and a completely obliterated yard later, they have me in a figure-four leg-lock begging for mercy. The critters are like Mike Tyson in his prime and I am Carol Channing.
  • The other morning my T.V. alarm went off to wake me up. The channel was somehow set to PBS and the show was "Barney and Friends". Now I can't get that stinking "I love you, you love me" song out of my head.
Ahhh me. Can I get some sympathy, oh, and a Tic Tac? I can taste the bile in my mouth. Gloom, despair, and agony indeed.