Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Please Smile

Sometimes I find myself in a bad mood. Something sets my positive switch to negative. There are times when I don't even recognize the trigger. I'm angry, sullen, and depressed. A frown is locked onto my face and nothing, it seems, can provide the key. Even when cognitively I try to rationalize with myself that being in such a mood is uncalled for, I feel powerless to overcome the cloying embrace of darkness. It's almost like I suddenly find myself in a deep hole that I can't climb out of.

The other day I was with my daughter, a time that I always look forward to. A time where my spirits are typically buoyed by her presence and her energy. A time where I can release all my outside troubles and concerns to the four winds, and just relax, find my peace, and be with her. However, I found myself down and I did not understand why. I tried to shake it off, but I kept falling deeper and deeper under its spell.

My little one quickly figured that something had me down and tentatively tried to make some conversation with me. I could barely speak in reply. She came over to me and wrapped her arms around me and uttered a simple plea, "Daddy, please smile." Sometimes, though, even when we have every reason to be joyful and connected, some rogue process takes over our minds and our spirits and pulls us down. I wish I had a cure. I wish that I could get back all the time that I lost to inexplicable sadness and depression. I wish I had access to that switch within me to always help me find my smile when it gets lost.