Saturday, August 28, 2010

Grind My Gears 17

Walking up and down the aisles at my local supermarket has lately been causing my blood pressure to spike. It has further led me to mutter uncontrollably to myself and use the word consarnit so much my ears begin to bleed. I have found with my keen sense of recognition that product after product that line the shelves use terms like "bistro" or "artisan" on their labels to try to make their pre-packaged slop seem trendy and hip and culturally relevant. Let me share just a few truths about these terms:

1). A bistro is a place that has a limited, overpriced menu of frou-frou foods. The people are snobby and care excessively about how you dress. Usually they require you to have some sort of European-sounding accent and a neatly trimmed mustache (women too). I wouldn't eat at a bistro if you threatened to kick me in the buttocks.

2). An artisan is a person who lives in some 60's beatnik-style commune. They tend to wear long, flowing gowns and are prone to wear head bands and Birkenstock-type sandals. They reek of jasmine and incense, and more often than not, they are covered in dried clay. You can bet that they smoke cannibus cigarettes regularly and thus are not to be trusted with anything, especially food preparation.

Any manufacturers that use the terms bistro and/or artisan in their product lines really grind my gears. You can be sure that I have to close my eyes to choke down their fancy pizzas, soft cheeses, elegant jams, and gourmet praline lady fingers.