Bondage II

I have become a prisoner in my own life. This prison is a second-by-second assault on my soul, a day-to-day degradation of the self.

When I am battling against any personal issue, the first thing that I do, after acknowledging that I have a problem, is always to try to arm myself with knowledge. It's almost instinctual, but I need to grasp the depth and breadth of what I am dealing with, what I am up against. I need perspective. Part of me seeks out knowledge and truth so that I recognize that I am not alone in my struggle or condition, part of me needs to come to grips with why I am the way I am, and part of me needs to seek out practical avenues to make inroads toward self improvement.

To this end I recently read two different books. The first, Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, was an attempt to understand more about the gaol that has held me captive for some time and to grasp how I got here and why I seem to run in the same circles day after day. I then read Pure Desire by Ted Roberts to help devise a reasoned strategy for liberation. Both authors paint sexual bondage as a noose around our necks. They made it clear why we continue to struggle for freedom. Instead of cutting the rope, our best efforts only serve to loosen it for a time, but we are still clearly at its mercy. One rash or unintended step and it pulls tight around us once again. This noose explains why sexual bondage or sexual addiction issues in our lives are played out in predictable episodes. They follow a cyclical pattern of fantasy, ritual, shame, and guilt.

In my own life I am starting to recognize the triggers that set me off. They include:

• A bad or stressful day;
  
• Personal conflict;
  
• Intense loneliness;
  
• Depression;
  
• Feelings of defeat or self-hatred.

Overcoming the lustful thoughts that seem to have an unshakeable power over me is not simply an issue of knowledge or willpower. When a given trigger is present, it can subconsciously cause the brain to produce powerful chemicals in response that bring forth sexual thoughts that if allowed to linger can overwhelm us. In these situations our entire focus can instantly turn toward feeding the desire for reward, release, and fantasy. We have activated a sort of coping or survival mechanism that we have encoded into our brains. In short, we are at the mercy of addictive tendencies that can seem infinitely more powerful than our ability to resist them.

(Part 2 of 5)