I have become a prisoner in my own life. Held captive by a force that I don't understand. The most frustrating part of my internment is that the door to my freedom stands unguarded, yet I just can't seem to make my escape. Though there are no iron bars to contain me, the lure to remain within is powerful, consuming, and, at times, seemingly inescapable. However, as has been said by others, this prison is a second-by-second assault on my soul, a day-to-day degradation of the self.The issues of battling with sexual addiction and sexual impurity have made me a prisoner of the images that form in my mind and the attendant potent chemicals and desires that take control of me. Time after time I seem to lose the battle with sexual thoughts and lust. At once I am on the path of righteousness and strength, and an instant later, I find myself recklessly careening toward a place that I never intended to be. The more I struggle to gain control, the further I get from my intended path, the path that I know is right. Even if I somehow stay on course for a time, and start to gain some small degree of confidence that I am making progress in my struggle, a single wayward thought can bring me right back to that place of defeat.
As a Christian, this fight against impurity and lust is especially worrisome. I know what is at stake. It is not as if I don't fully understand right from wrong in this regard. Yet all too often I give into thoughts and behaviors that, while they may bring some modicum of pleasure or comfort, they always eventually lead me to self-loathing and shame. In times like these where my own desires overtake my intention to stay on God's path, I more fully appreciate the words of the apostle Paul.
For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. Romans 7:17-23.
I fully understand the complete frustration and infuriation that led Paul to pen these words, for I am there in that place and am struggling to find my way.
(Part 1 of 5)
