Friday, June 12, 2009

The Men's Room Attendant

Having had to do my fair share of "public speaking" over the years, lots of different people will pass along advice to you. How to dress, how to make your slides, how to answer questions, how to pace your presentation, etc. The one universal tidbit that I seem to get is never to begin your talk with an apology (e.g. I am sorry that the talk that you are about to hear is going to be a total train wreck, etc.). With full knowledge and appreciation of this, I am going to begin today's blog-isode with an apology. I am about to insult a very powerful and influential group with my words today. For that I apologize, but after a few moments reflection, you will find my words to be irrefutable. So, here goes.

The world's most useless job has to be the men's room attendant. They sit in the corner of the bathroom, talking and singing to nobody in particular. Beside them a bowl of stale mints and an assortment of cheap colognes. Perhaps more important to them is their "tip" jar. I have no idea what their alleged role in the business world is, but I can assure you that it is completely silly. When I am trying to go number 1, I am not in the bathroom to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. I just want to be left alone to do my thing. I can't imagine anyone striking up a bathroom conversation begun by someone whose opening line is "How's it hanging?". Taking this uncomfortable discussion a bit further so that I can fully illustrate my point, consider, just consider, having to go number 2 in a bathroom with one of these professional loiterers hanging about (like a Klingon orbiting Uranus). I personally cannot imagine having someone eavesdrop on this very, ahem, personal mission. Plus, who in their right mind, would want to hang around outside of a row of stalls taking in that atmosphere and ambiance? This is just gross and more than a little bit strange and disgusting. So, with apologies to this very powerful union (who no doubt have strong connection to the mob), it is time to end this very useless charade and clean out the men's room of all non-essential personnel.