Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Confession

Where do I start? I need to share a very personal thing about myself, but I am afraid of how you will judge me. You may not say anything, but I can see the look in your eyes, I can hear the whispers in clipped and hushed tones that stop as I approach. I have tried to keep this buried for so long that my insides ache. But I guess that you already know this about me, for you can see it in my face, it envelops me like a thick fog. It is an area of immeasurable shame and failure in my life, one that I worked so hard on and took such pride in. Now it's gone and I fear that I will never be the same again, for better or for worse. Funny, that phrase was the start of it all. It was the basis of a vow sealed in the purest gold that dissolved before my eyes. My words useless, my rationality unravelled. My whole life changed, and still now, two years later, I have so much healing to do. There are times when I don't think I am ever going to get back to right or trust again, that I will never again find my smile. Even now, from time to time, I still call out, half expecting an answer, but there is only silence. Money, communication, touch, time. I learned some vital life lessons in the ordeal, but it hardly seems a fair exchange. Anyway, now you understand that I wasn't always this way, and who knows, maybe some day the fog will clear.