I knew in all likelihood that I would end up here. I prayed as hard as I could, pleading with God for deliverance, for even the merest sliver of hope. I wasn't looking for a flash of necromancy, a perfectly wrapped gift to drop into my lap. I would have welcomed an opportunity to labor until my last breath just to prove myself. Yet, nothing ever came into my view. Nothing to somehow return fusion from fission. No chance to show my heart in ways that somehow I couldn't before. In that past I dotted and dashed on a telegraph whose lines surely were crossed. No message got through. All sound and fury that ultimately signified nothing. An investment whose principal was stolen away.
It is incomprehensible to me that as I sit here now, eight years have elapsed. Sometimes even now, scenes and emotions from those days still blanket me like a thick fog. How can they feel so fresh after all this time? Why do they still have such power over me? Often it seems like I could just close my eyes for a moment and open them to find out that it was all just some wickedly, cruel reverie. Yet the reality that I avoid now is all too solid, not a soft-edged cel. Where have the eight years gone? They have gone into defeat, into hopelessness, into a bottomless void. So I guess that I do know whence I have been.
Today, I just wanted to write to say the goodbye that I likely should have said long ago. A goodbye that I just didn't have in me. Perhaps this is just a post to mark the sign as I pass. It doesn't matter if you don't know the specifics of the road that I have traveled. We all have something that we struggle with. Peace.