Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Failed I's I

I have been struggling with some addictive behaviors for a whole now and it seems that, most of the time, they get the better of me. They win. I lose. My pattern of action follows an all too predictable cyclic behavior. I fight and struggle. I give into the addiction. I feel like garbage afterwards. My self-esteem takes a big hit. I resolve to try again. It feels a bit too much like the plot from the movie Groundhog Day. I keep living the same pattern over and over again. I feel trapped in a confining box. It seems like no matter how hard I try to escape, I am fated to lose.

I have always felt that I could conquer almost any problem in my life that was under my "control". I figured that once I recognized what was going on, I could easily deduce the negative effects it was having in my life, and then devise an effective strategy to drive it away. For example, last year after a particularly dark season in my life I realized that I was becoming an alcoholic. It didn't take me long to understand the issues and the consequences of this behavior, and then to work to slay this dragon. I simply used my intellect to gain control of my behavior and my attitude. Very simple, very easy. Ready to move on to the next battle.

However, my recent addictions have proven a much more formidable foe. I easily recognized the problem and the potential consequences. I devised what I thought was a plan of attack that would bring this area of my life under my control. However, I failed miserably. In fact, I fail nearly every day in this regard. I need a different approach. In my life, the I's most certainly don't have it.

(Part 1 of 2)