Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Why am I afraid of the dark? Like most, I guess primarily it results from a fear of the unknown. What is out there? What sort of monster might I encounter that would eat me alive? I once read a book about a young boy's fear of the creatures that entered into his room after the shadows of night had taken over. After he turned on his bedside lamp, he saw that his worries were baseless. Each shape that his mind had put into flesh, had a much less threatening explanation when exposed to the light. His jacket draped over the bed post. His model kite hanging from the ceiling. His fishing pole and tackle kit leaning out of his closet.

Mind you, my issue is not with nyctophobia. My fear is the dark that clouds my vision into the future, into what lies ahead. I am panicked by not knowing when or where I will emerge given my current location and the sign posts that I can see. What really knocks the wind out of me is that I don't feel I am where I am supposed to be. My current life is not what I had imagined ten years ago. People and relationships and things that I had built my life's foundation upon are gone. I find myself in a place that I do not recognize and do not like. I have no idea if I will be able to find my way to what I am after with the time that I have left.

The people that are closest to me see that I have a good job and a wonderful and loving daughter. All the makings of the good life. However, I have lost my smile and see more darkness and shadows than light. For several years I feel like I have been treading water, marking time. Meanwhile, tempus fugit. Lines appear and grow deeper, white tinges replace brown, reality replaces fantasy and hope. I am afraid of the chimera that lies out there in my darkness.