Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Inside - Outside

All of my life I have had trouble fitting in and finding my place. Most of the time I sit on the outside looking in at everyone else living and loving and laughing, wishing with all of my heart and soul that I could be there too. Yet it just hasn't happened and I am running out of time. Sometimes being one of the crowd can bring you down and take away or diminish what it is that makes you special. But there is another side to this. That "crowd" is made up of folks ready to share a meal, a laugh, a conversation, or to walk with you through life.

When I look at other guys, so many of them seem to be laboring to maintain a crafted image of who they want others to see them as. Maybe this helps them to gain acceptance, to fit in on the inside. However, I have never had any measure of success playing that game and I just don't have it in me to even try. Thus I tend to face the world with all of my idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, child-like tendencies, and goofy sense of humor, come what may. If erecting a false facade around me is what it takes to allow me in, I know that I will forever remain on the outside.

In writing this blog for so many years now, anyone who has stopped by regularly has pretty much seen most everything that makes me up, a couple of paragraphs at a time. I have nothing to hide including the following statements of truth:
  • I often cry at children's movies. I can remember uncontrollable tears at the end of Toy Story 3, Epic, and Brave among others.
  • I have not been with a woman in nearly five years even though I have had the opportunity.
  • I sing to myself when I am feeling blue.
  • I like the Backstreet Boys and even have Hanson's mmmBop on my iTunes list.
  • I haven't had a close friend in years. I have come to understand that my troubles in this area are, for the most part, not with them but with me. I can be a rather strong cup of tea.
  • Every relationship that I have been in with a woman has ended in heartbreak. Every single failure was due to my shortcomings and weaknesses.
Does stating these truths make me any less of a man or make clear why I am where I am in life? Who's to say, but I don't think it matters. I am where I am. I am who I am. I will continue to work to improve myself and, despite my issues, I still hope that someday soon I will find my way on the inside so that I might be able to help bring others inside with me.