Such Things

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things., Philipians 4:8.

Literary Devices

Hyperbole : Sometimes I feel like the lowest of the low but then I encounter an uplifting smile.

Simile : My heart can seem like a drop of blood hanging in the sky without acceptance and understanding.

Metaphor : At times I feel as a solitary dove among crows and then someone makes time for me.

Personification : When I act against who I know I should be my soul goes hungry.

Onomatopoeia : In my agony, my gasps are as a gurgling rattle until I understand that it is not always about me.

Oxymoron : Simmering below the surface I sense the presence of a cold fire needing release to truly burn.

Short Circuit

I have never understood relationships, not really. It seems to me that a man and a wife can exchange some of the most wound-inflicting words possible between them. Love, caring, tenderness, listening. Where did they go? Why did they go? These skills and tendencies were once right there - obvious to the outside world and obvious to the inside world. The other day I overheard half a telephone conversation between a man and his wife. It was the morning of the big nor'easter that swept through our area. After several hours at work, and with conditions continuing to get more and more perilous outside, this man grew palpably worried about his wife who had decided that morning to drive to an event some 60 or 70 miles away. He was muttering to himself and his words were bourne out of concern and love. Oh why didn't I just tell her to stay home. She shouldn't have gone. This is just too risky.

As his emotions reached a crescendo, he finally got through to his wife on his cell phone. What he was saying to those of us in earshot of his desperate call was "thank goodness you are safe". What he actually said in words was more like "why did you decide to make this drive today of all days?". The next thing I heard was "Hello? Hello? Honey, are you there?". He assumed that his call had been cut off because of the raging storm. He called his wife back and got through. I then heard "What? You hung up on me?". She never heard his concern or sensed his love. She took what he was saying as an attack on her sensibilities. A nagging insinuation. Speaking different languages. She hung up on him.

Him: Comment je vous aime.
Her: Wie können sie das sagen?
Please, remember to listen and remember to be mindful with your words. Seek out and express love in a manner that leaves no room for misinterpretation. A wise investment that you will never regret.

World View II

How does the world see you? Does your own self-portrait match with the defining reality given by the consensus opinion of those in your life? Can distortions in our own images ever be clearly understood? Is there a hope that our own personal issues can be appreciated to the point that we can do something about them? We all seem to have a view of ourselves that does not necessarily match the reality witnessed or experienced by other people. How can our own positive internal portrait differ so markedly from the negative one that hangs in the public museum?

The answer to this might be that it is a self-protection or survival mechanism. It takes a great amount of strength to make it through a typical day in our lives. The burden only becomes greater if we see ourselves as undesireable or worthless or annoying. So, if the prognosis really is that we have some significant personal work to do, how can we finally hear what the issues are? Can this information come to us in a non-hurtful manner, that can cut through the years of insulation and defensive barriers that we have erected? What may be especially difficult is if our personality type or psychology is such that we can be offending a great many and we might not even have the tools to recognize it.

The problem comes about when people are hurt or annoyed or put off by our behavior, they typically do not approach us with caring or good intentions. They recoil back with venom and anger and hurt and vengeance. It's hard for such salvos, whether or not they are positioned accurately, to hit their intended mark. From time to time, I have had people tell me that I did not handle a particular situation well, that I was rude or unkind. Feedback from limited moments like this can be processed, accepted or dismissed, and appreciated. But this kind of information is not necessarily a deep-seated, defining personality flaw. ... You are cruel. ... You are heartless. ... You are unloving. ... You are a jerk. ... Now these are characterizations that our natural defense mechanisms are programmed to ward off.

In my experience, direct and relevant feedback of the sort that matters, that results in self-awareness, will not come from complete strangers. I also feel strongly that it will not come from our family, and, in particular, from our spouses. They are just too close. It will most likely come from those who serve as our mentors. What makes their advice different qualitatively from our spouses is that their feedback is sought after, as opposed to unsolicited feedback that spouses would provide. This type of assessment is all too often taken as criticism or nagging or manipulation. However, of course, the mentor has to be able to communicate the critical issues in the appropriate manner. Words and mannerisms and attitudes and expressions must all be carefully checked and measured. There will most likely have to be repeated attempts at getting through. There will most certainly have to be follow-up discussions and feedback. Hopefully folks have a mentor who is up to the task and whose efforts can lead to improvement and progress.

Can you look in the mirror and see the true, undistorted reflection? What are you going to do to improve what you see?


(Part 2 of 2)

World View I

How does the world see you? Does your own self-portrait match the defining reality given by the consensus opinion of those in your life? Can distortions in our own images ever be clearly understood? Is there a hope that our own personal issues can be appreciated to the point that we can do something about them?

We all seem to have a view of ourselves that in some respects does not match the reality witnessed or experienced by other people. Some folks are far too harsh on judging and labeling who they are. Loser, idiot, worthless, ugly, unloved and unlovable. Others give themselves much higher scores. Winner, genius, valuable, beautiful, loved and lovable.

Have you ever happened upon a gossip session with others talking about you in clipped and hushed tones, and secretly listened in? Did their opinions match up with your own? Do you think that they painted an accurate picture of who you are? When I was a University professor, I was required to have the students fill out evaluations at the end of each course. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to reach each and every student, that there were always a handful of them who viewed me as a demanding, unfeeling, soulless ogre and bore. Is this how I should view myself given a small number of responses? Probably not. But what if we took a personal evaluation and the overwhelming response painted us as someone that significantly conflicted with our own internal picture?

There are some people in this world who can receive 99 votes of praise out of a hundred people. However, they dwell on the single aspersion. I am one such person. That single strike against me causes my pillar of self-worth to stain and crumble. It does not even matter if the criticism is valid or just. This symptomology is consistent with a manic depressive condition. However, this is not the point of my thoughts in this entry. What I am more concerned with is the notion of what actually should define us. How can we have one image of ourselves when everyone else that comes into contact with us comes away with a different opinion? If everyone thinks we are a jerk, then I would say that we have some real issues to deal with, regardless of what we think about ourselves. I would say that the converse is also true. If everyone thinks we are something very special, then we must have some particular value regardless of what we perceive. However, I am more concerned with the former condition. How can a positive internal portrait differ so markedly from the negative one that hangs in the public museum?

(Part 1 of 2)

Hare Brained

The fireplace is cold and dry,
the wind whistles through the trees on this cold winter's night.
As you tell me we've shared our last
there's just one thing that I have to ask ...
These lyrics from the band Emery (that I had never heard of until Google brought them to me) tell me that they truly understand what is at stake. They have brought us to the precipice, with just one thing to ask. But, in truth, I am not quite sure what they want to ask. I can only assume it is to implore you to look out your window into the night sky and search your hearts for love. The last hare has now fallen away and only a scant few have noticed and sent me their high cash value items (I also accept check and MasterCad, ..., err, ... MasterCard). I hope you can live with yourselves through this upcoming holiday season.

In closing this 12-part hare ball, I leave you with the following hackneyed hare pieces, which I believe is just punishment.

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.

Q: The more he takes away the bigger it becomes. What is it?
A: A rabbit hole.

Q: How is a rabbit like a Q-tip?
A: They both have cotton tails.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
A: A hot cross bunny.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
A: A honey bunny.

Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
A: They both have big ears.

Q: Why is a leaky faucet like a cowardly bunny?
A: Because it runs.

End of the Road II

A part of my job is to destroy people's life-long dreams, to break hearts. The question of how to approach such a serious, but necessary task, is a difficult one for those in my field. I can certainly tell you that this is not a task that we enjoy or relish or from which we receive one iota of pleasure. However, at some point it is essential that this task be carried out, and carried out with compassion and brutal honesty.

If they have not seen this coming, they are either naive or have completely fooled themselves. The fact that they have not been able to critically examine their own work or to realistically compare themselves to their peers is a signal. Time to go. Uncerimoniously dumped, discarded, and the path cannot be changed. In truth, the die was cast many years ago. Perhaps they had advisors who were not honest with them and who should have given them proper advice years ago. Perhaps for a time their work ethic and energy were enough to overcome lack of talent or deep thinking. But now, everyone knows but them and the end of the road has been reached. It is time to have that painful, but necessary talk.

To be sure these moments are difficult. Working with people, you get to know them and their stories. But the time for realistic thinking is now at hand. For some, the conversation is kind of a relief, and can lead to a kind of awakening where they can finally admit and grasp the truth. For others, the moment leads to recoil. A release of anger and harsh words. Like a wounded beast they fight back. Still others try to hold on a bit longer before they lose their grip and slip away. We must realize that we are not doing anyone a favor when we give them false hope about their chances for success. Here is the end of the road, it is time to go.

(Part 2 of 2)