Last Chance

I was thinking about Jessie the cowgirl doll in Toy Story 2. Regarding her child Emily, she said:

"She was my whole world. When she loved me everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart. And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears. And when she was happy, so was I ... So the years went by, I stayed the same, but she began to drift away."

I don't know about you, but the sentiment here brings a tear to my eye. I remember crying during this part of the movie. These words resurfaced again the other day when my 12-year-old daughter was working a puzzle that she had not touched since she was 5 or 6. It was a picture of two cute-as-a-button kittens coming out of the legs of a pair of jeans. The puzzle was completed and left to sit out on display in the living room. I thought that this was probably the last time that she would ever work this puzzle. The puzzle is obviously not the issue here, it is the passage of time. My daughter is growing up and days of wonder and innocence are rapidly fading away.

From time to time, I stumble across toys that were once important to my little one, that she has long since forgotten. Long since drifted away from. I still clearly remember the fun and laughter and joyful experiences that she had with each of them. Now they lie fallow in drawers and closets, never to be experienced again.

Dusty Attic

Writing a blog with regularity is akin to emptying out an old attic. Initially the space is overflowing with boxes and crates, odds and ends, bits and pieces. Removing one item each day does little in the short term to clean out the site. However, after an extended period, the room is noticeably emptier. Sooner than you might think, you have to look diligently and dig for anything of substance. Sooner than you might think, the life history that one relies on for new ideas and posts, starts to run a bit thin. What's left is more dust and shadow than form and substance. Where once there was a wellspring of fertility and long lists of possibilities, there is now searching and seeking for something from the outside. One will eventually run out of stories to tell.

At times I think my attic of ideas and things to consider is pretty much empty. It is just then that I find a forgotten alcove that contains a trove of new possibilities, at least for a time. I should state clearly that repetition and empty thought is not where I wish to journey. There is a time for all things to come to an end. For me and my blog, that time may be sooner or it may be later. I don't yet have a full sense of how this will play out, but for now, I continue on, not because I feel pressure or a sense of duty, but because it brings me fulfillment, contentment, perspective, and purpose.

Simpler Times

Sometimes the thoughts that run through my mind cause me to catch my breath. They seem to come from someone much older than me, from a place that I don't recognize. Perhaps they are the result of a seed planted by my parents, but I'm not certain. Recently, there have been some things happening in my life that are completely overwhelming my systems, putting me under an enormous weight, crushing me with an incessant pressure. These things I had pondered and hoped for over a very long period of time. I thought they would bring me joy and pleasure and peace and happiness. However, I feel anxious, nervous, and trapped. Even, at times, unable to function. My mind is racing with a longing for simpler times, when there was just me and my little world. The trouble is, my rampant thoughts of simpler times make me feel like I am channeling some old fogey. Surely this cannot be me, can it? If it is, then I don't think that I truly understand myself or what I want in this world.

All of this has left me feeling kind of foolish. I have chased after something for so very long. Now that I have it in my grasp, it seems like it is too much for me to handle. Whenever I try to find just a few moments to reflect, to come back to equilibrium, to find my inner peace, to come up for air, it swells up, drowns me out, and pulls me under. I am left pulled in several directions by desires and forces and urges that I just don't comprehend. Moments of lucid thought presently seem hard to find. Where do I go now?

If I Fall

From the R.E.M. recording Out of Time, there was a wonderful song called Texarkana sung by Mike Mills. The tag line in this song goes:

I would give my life to find it,
I would give it all,
Catch me if I fall.

I think we all dream of having that special someone in our lives to watch out for us, to protect us from the sticks and stones of life, to run to when we are lost or when we stumble and fall. A constant, a truth, a rock, ..., our rock. Folks like these in our lives are a true and wonderful blessing. For those of you who have such a support system, be thankful, and show your appreciation at every chance. For those who are alone, don't give up. Reach out with an open mind and an open heart.

Alive, Again

anticipation brings a long forgotten song,
removing armor used to protect the soul,
exhilaration and tender touch,
listening and caring and laughter,
alabaster skin and soft breath,
passion and warmth,
a heart once still comes alive,
embrace and sweet dreams.

Dedicated to those who have made it through the fog and inky darkness to find peace and life, for a time.

400

Folks, get your holys out (as in holy moley, holy cow, holy mackerel, and holy smoke). Today I am posting my 400th blog! Could you possibly have guessed a year and a half ago that I would be able to go on this long? Well, only if you know me. Nobody has even yet told me to shut up or pipe down or even uttered a single silencio my way. So, I will take this as a mandate from the world's population that you want me to pursue 500. We shall see how to proceed if/when I reach that lofty plateau. I mean, how much longer could anyone possibly go on? (Plus, I have long since run out of room on my mantel for the myriad awards and trophies that I have earned from this blog.) See you for another 100 my friends.

Oh, and thanks to my loyal readers for being loyal readers. It means a lot to me.

All the Way

I've never had all that much success when it comes to relationships. In fact, every serious relationship that I have ever been in has ended exactly the same way. I have been dumped, discarded, and cast out. My heart has been broken more than a few times. When each relationship ended, it seemed like I was the last to know, or at least, the last to figure it out. Even today, I wear the scars of past loves, and I still feel a lingering ache. The pain reflects my fragile make up, my thin skin, my naivety, and more than a little regret for mistakes that I made. However, just like the old saying about getting back up on the horse once you've been thrown off, I continue to seek love. I continue to seek a two to add to my one. Sometimes the reasons why I proceed down this road are so obvious to me. Other times, I question my own sanity. I know what lies down that path, or at least, what I have faced each time I have journeyed there ...

My friend Rob told me about a book that he thought could help me start to lay down a foundation to increase my chances for future relational success. The book is called Going all the Way by Craig Groeschel, and is designed to help Christians understand what can help lead to long-term success in a relationship. At the core of this work is the statement that if you want something few have (genuine closeness, trust, respect, and lasting commitment), you'll have to do what few do. I was always one to kind of believe that if you were with someone you loved, it shouldn't be a huge amount of work or effort. There should never be any conflict or tension or anxiety. Well, I can hear your laughter. I am starting to understand. While I still feel totally underequipped for any sort of relationship, I know more now than at any point in my life. Perhaps it is time to try again ...