Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Non-standard Meats

Several times in my life I have been accosted by people who try to push their non-standard meats on me. I have responded consistently with a message of "Just say no!" (thank you Nancy Reagan). I don't know where people were raised or what they were taught by their delinquent parental units, but the only allowable meats fit for human consumption are the following:
  • Cow meat;
  • Chicken meat;
  • Pork meat.
If you are confused, please go back and reread this list. These are your standard meats. Don't come at me with alligator flesh, deer steaks, fish products, or your "game" birds. These serve only to frighten and confuse the masses. The best thing that you can do to go on with your life is to take a week and go through all of the cookbooks in your house and remove all recipes that call for the use of meat products not on my list. You may use a red "Sharpie" marker if you have one on hand. In the long run, your life will be much more complete and flavorful. Maybe even, eventually, after many years of purity, God will come to forgive you.