On My Own Terms

Recently, I came face to face with an aspect of myself based on an event that happened last August. For some reason, it has taken me nearly eight months to gain some perspective and some insight on my attitudes and thoughts from that day. My feelings and my approach were not unique to that moment, but really are a part of my core. The trigger was a line from a sermon by my pastor that I have heard uttered from the stage countless times, but for some reason this particular time that moment from eight months ago came into focus and I understood more about myself and my shortcomings. The statement that brought all of this about was a simple truth, "We are not meant to live life alone."

For many years now I have felt the void of loneliness in my life. Not just a woman's presence to be my life partner, but of friends and companions to enjoy life with. As an adult I have consistently struggled to make friends. What I lack in opportunity to meet people socially, I more than make up for in a judgmental attitude that finds all sorts of reasons to reject and dismiss those around me. As I have failed time and again to make friends, over the last several years I have essentially stopped trying. I have come to understand that it's not them it's me and have slowly and surely just isolated myself in my own fortress of solitude.

Eight months ago, I was invited to a get-together at my pastor's house on the occasion of his birthday. For reasons that I still don't understand, I accepted his invitation and went. His house was filled with about three dozen of his friends, most of whom I had never seen before. The evening was difficult for me because I was an outsider and these folks were all mutual acquaintances. Looking around the living room, kitchen, and den, I could see defined clusters of folks chatting and laughing. Not having the social skills to approach any of these tightly formed groups, I spent some time observing the people at this gathering. What I saw, for the most part, were a rather "eclectic" group of folks of a sort that I would normally never even give a second thought to interacting with. Yet while they were interacting and enjoying each other's company, I sat apart from them and tossed about labels and increased my distance. It became clear to me from that simple truth, "We are not meant to live life alone.", that apparently even though I am lonely and have very few friends, that clearly I will only accept relationship if it is on my very narrowly defined terms. It became immediately obvious to me why I am in the situation that I am in.

Observations 88

My occasional blog series "Observations" was created to be an outlet to share a variety of topics that pop into my field of view as a result of a condition that many bloggers are afflicted with known as "blogger's eyes". In this state we view the world on the constant look-out for topics on which to write about. Today's blog came about from random odds 'n ends of things that I have noticed over the past few weeks.

• Yesterday, for the first time ever (or at least that I can recall), I used the word bosom in an email.
  
• Speaking of email, have you ever gotten email from someone whose subject line does not reflect what is in the body of the message in any way? They just keep replying to the last message that you sent them. I think this needs to stop, even if legislation is involved.
  
• I would like to suggest an entirely new paradigm for medical doctors. If they don't fix you then they shouldn't get paid. As a corollary, if they don't fix you in a timely manner then you get to give them a hard kick in the groats.
  
• The squiggly openings on the front of fancy stringed instruments like violins and cellos are called "f holes". Somehow this sounds vaguely dirty.
  
• I really find it odious when a marginal band that has only put out a couple of "records" releases a "greatest hits" album.
  

iTunes Latest - 26

I have been a user of iTunes since 2011. This service has allowed me to bring music back into my world and to reconnect with so many great songs from my past. One of the things that I really like about music is that so often a given song has a strong association with a time or moment in my life. I have also found that every now and then a recent song inspires me. So, I thought that I would share my latest five downloads and a bit about my thoughts on each song.

• Iron Hand - Dire Straits (1990) - I began to check out the 25 year old album On Every Street by Dire Straits recently when I, by chance, had stumbled across the title track. I then began to work my way through the other songs on this release. Iron Hand is a soulful dirge about the often unnecessary and efficient violence of warfare.
  
• When it Comes to You - Dire Straits (1990) - Another tune from On Every Street with a melody hook that pulled me in and compelled me to listen. About the nastiness of someone who wants out of a relationship.
  
• Piano in the Dark - Brenda Russell (1988) - The day after I finished my last exam as a senior in college I quickly left that life behind and
  transported to a new life in a new state as a graduate student. Suddenly everything that defined my comfort and familiarity was replaced with awkward and new. The first morning that I woke up in my dorm room this song came on the radio and spoke to me about connection. Boy does this one take me back to that scared but eager young man.
  
• So Many Tears - Regina Belle (1987) - Enduring my final heartbreak in highschool and feeling like I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, I ran across this song that expressed my hurt, my frustration, and my longing so well.
  
• Rock of Life - Rick Springfield (1988) - As I was finishing high school and starting college, Mr. Springfield was running in a bit of a hot streak and his popularity was on a roll. This album was quite strong but it was the last that he would put out for nearly a decade as he had a bit of a burn out and his muse departed. This song is a loud, infectious rocker, but if you listen to the lyrics you can get a sense that this is an artist who is running on fumes and needs to get away.
  

Silent Echoes

If there is one characteristic that consistently marks my daughter, I would say that it is adaptabilty. No matter what forks have appeared in her life's young path, she has bravely gone down whatever branch she must and has continued along mostly unaffected. Something in her make-up allows her to accept the conditions in her life and adapt to whatever situations that come along the way with her positive attitude fully intact. Even when she has been sick, she still finds a way to make the best of things.

For the past several years, my daughter has been affected by recurring migraines, a condition that has plagued all of the women on her mother's side. Even through the misery of these regular episodes, which typically recur several times per month, she has been able to keep her smile and to deal with their impact on her life. However, recently the spectre of this neurologic condition has quite suddenly changed its pattern and has sunk its icy grip into my daughter. Over the past several weeks an episode has descended upon her and brought her low. I have stood by helplessly as the pain, nausea, and non-stop visits to doctor after doctor have slowly ablated her spirit. Ultimately, she was admitted to the hospital as they were forced to more drastic measures in her treatment.

As the nurses came into her room for blood samples, I stepped out into the hallway to give her some privacy. For about 15 minutes I paced a loop about the silent ward following the path laid out by the brown tiles that marked a zig-zag pattern on the floor. For a man who likes to be in control, there is nothing quite so maddening, so utterly frustrating, as to be completely powerless and unable to affect an outcome. When I could go back into her room, I sat by her bedside for several hours telling her stories to distract her, making plans for things we could do again when she was feeling better, and refilling her cup of ginger ale. As the evening wore on, it was time for her to get some rest and I headed home.

Normally upon entering my front door I am greeted by an echo of the presence from my daughter as her laughter tends to linger, bouncing off the walls and transforming the house into our home. However, upon entering into my foyer, the house was utterly still, layered in a thick, murky silence.

The Knights of Crystallia

The third part of Brandon Sanderson's tale regarding 13 year old oculator Alcatraz Smedry is entitled Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia. This story follows shortly after the previous episode Alcatraz Versus The Scrivener's Bones found our young hero saving his long-lost father who had been trapped as a ghost spirit in the ancient library at Alexandria. Once Alcatraz, who grew up shuttling from foster family to foster family, found his father, he expected to get some explanations for why his parents gave him up and to reconnect with the father that he had heard so much about from his grandfather. However, on his journey back to his family home, his father locked himself away and paid no mind to young Alcatraz.

Faced with the apparent rejection from his father, however, did not allow Alcatraz much time to brood or contemplate because it seemed his people had just entered into negotations to sign a peace treaty with their mortal enemies, the cult of evil librarians. Alcatraz quickly grew suspicious of this talk of peace from the librarians (who are evil) as it went against their very nature. He then set about learning what they were up to and then thwarting their plans. However, just when he figured that he had saved the day and would be feted as a hero, he ran face first into a conspiracy involving those sworn to protect his people, the celebrated knights of Crystallia.

Another great story filled with humor, interesting situations, and the wonderful characters that I have come to know in this series. I now moved onto the last book in the series, Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens.

The Good in Me

When life seems to put us on a downward slope, either by ill fortune or by our own makings, it is easily to see ourselves as a caricature of who we really are. It is all too easy to let labels like loser, fool, failure, useless, and unlovable, drape over our shoulders. No matter what happens to us, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves amid, it somehow becomes second nature for us to see the negative in ourselves. Instead of learning lessons that could help us in future interactions, we become so defeatist, so beaten down that there is no fight left in us and we let our self-imposed labels do our speaking for us. I would also say that as we give into self-loathing, it becomes all too common for us also to become blind to the good in the world around us, whether it is the kindness of others or the beauty in a sunset, our shutters are closed and anything that might lighten our mien, is another opportunity missed.

If there was an easy path to turn around our dispositions, then either our depressions where mere indentations along the road of life or we have somehow stumbled upon the missing person, place, or thing that had caused the eclipse that we were enveloped in. Most often, the path through negativity and all the garbage that accretes onto it with time, just causes us to further slip away from life and the desire for living. Our existence just becomes a pathetic exercise in marking time. In such a situation, it does us good to remember that what we think defines us is mostly of our own making, our own perspective. We need to be reminded of the truth that there are some things that make each of us beautiful. For me I wanted to list five things that describe some aspect of good in me.

• I have consistently given everything that I have to my daughter to make her feel special, loved, and valuable.
  
• I have never taken my job for granted and still after nearly 3 decades of work, give my all each and every day.
  
• I have come to be much more generous as the years have gone by.
  
• For the most part, I try my best to be an honorable man.
  
• No matter how bad any day in my life might be, I still try to wake up each morning with a renewed spirit and a reasonably open mind.
  

Observations 87

My occasional blog series "Observations" was created to be an outlet to share a variety of topics that pop into my field of view as a result of a condition that many bloggers are afflicted with known as "blogger's eyes". In this state we view the world on the constant look-out for topics on which to write about. Today's blog came about from random odds 'n ends of things that I have noticed over the past few weeks.

• I just saw a car commercial where the vehicle was sitting on the deck of an aircraft carrier with jets taking off next to it. An archetype hot-shot pilot then jumped into the car and raced off down the flight deck convinced that he could keep up with the planes. In small print on the bottom of the screen it warned us not to attempt this stunt.
  
• There is an honest to goodness company in my area called Doodie Calls. This is a service that will come to you house to clean up all of the dog crap in your yard. Who would take this job for a living? Who would admit to having such a job?
  
• I recently told my daughter about a company in my area called Doodie Calls and she actually thought it was a good business idea. Have you ever wondered if a body snatcher has snatched your child? Oh where did I go wrong?
  
• There is a radio ad that claims, "If you have more than $5,000 in credit card debit, it is your right to settle for substantially less than you owe." Is anyone else's "BS" detector going off?
  
• Have you ever thought something was common knowledge and then found out that it wasn't either common or knowledge? For me, I had always thought that BMW stood for British Motor Works. Turns out BMW is a German company and the "B" is for Bavarian.