Alone

I made a comment in my Community Group the other night that seemed, at first utterance, to be completely self-contradictory. What I found out, however, is that several others in the group felt the same way at times.

I have been struggling recently as a couple in my group just got married, another just got engaged, and the other couples or individuals are very happy and satisfied and fulfilled in their relationships. There is so much happiness that I sometimes want to puke. I have been alone for so long that it is taking a noticeable toll on me. I have tried to work on myself, to improve, to grow, to deal with some long-standing problems and issues that I knew had to be faced, but I am alone as alone can be. The happiness of others just sickens me at times. I know, I know, I am a horrible person for saying this. I seem to be ruled by petty jealousy, by feelings of "If they can be happy then why can't I?", by feelings of "I have as much to offer as any of them.", by sentiments of "Why me?", "How did I get to this place?", "What did I do to deserve this?", "Maybe I really am not worthy of having someone.". Ultimately it turns out that I am ruled and dominated by feelings of regret from my past and a life that is racing by.

My remark in community group focussed on the fact that I am so sick and tired of being alone, but most times my mindset is that I just don't want to be around other people. I think it is that I just don't want to see how happy everyone is, I just don't want to be reminded of how sorry my life has become. I just have this sense that I need to be alone just to feel miserable. It is not meant to be a public display for sympathy. It is something intensely personal. The interesting thing is that others in the group had occasionally felt like this at times in their lives. The difference in my case is that this attitude is, apparently, not particularly temporary. In his wonderful memoir, "Darkness Visible", William Styron said when describing his deep depression, there is this indescribable sense that if the cure to your condition was sitting right in front of you, a cure that could turn your whole life around in the blink of an eye, you just wouldn't have the strength to reach out and take it. I have this sense and it pervades my mind. I feel marooned on an island. I used to be able to see and hear others, even to communicate with them. However, almost inperceptibly with time, their voices and presence have faded away to the point that I don't sense them all that much any more.

Perhaps though, it is time for a paradigm shift. Suppose I just accept my lot in life. Learn how to be alone, to be productive, to contribute where I can. If a rescue plane happens to come anywhere near my location, I will then set fires, jump up and down, and try to be noticed. If that happens, I will rejoice and celebrate, but if it doesn't happen, I need to find a way to live and be satisfied and fulfilled. Well, this notion sounds good anyway.

Tithing II

Are you kidding me? 10%! Really? ... Really? Don't even get me started about arguments over gross vs. net. The subject of tithing has been on my mind for some time. Frankly, I have always lived in a rather guarded manner where my money is concerned. Some might use labels such as cheap or frugal. However, while I am careful, I am far from miserly. But it is my responsibility to be sure that the output does not exceed the input, and sometimes less than popular decisions have to be made to ensure that this is the case. But while there is truth and conviction in what I just said about my role as treasurer, I also fully realize that my faith and trust in God is only as deep as my biggest problem or fear or concern. Are there areas of my life that I put before God? I would be less than truthful if I didn't own up to the fact that money and security for the future get in the way on many occasions. It doesn't take long to recognize that I have not given ownership or control of my finances to God. I always find a way to make excuses or avoid the issue altogether. I try to twist the truth to fit my own version of reality - the false belief that it's my money and I'll be the one who decides what to give and when to give it.

From 2 Corinthians 9:6-7, "Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." Well, I am a clever man, and I know that I can make these words support any argument that I want to make on the subject of tithing. But trying to be as honest with myself as my biased, sinful nature will allow, I think these words really do tell me to do my best with giving, to be purposeful, to be consistent, to be generous. The giving is not just with my money, but with my time, my energy, my talents, my mind, and my strength. I have also tried to listen for direction from God during several important seasons of giving at my church and given more.

At my old church I used to put $5 a week in the offering plate. Whenever a particular message would resonate within me, I used to joke with my pastor that he really earned his $5 that week. At that time, giving was totally new to me. Certainly outside of my own family, I was definitely not a particularly generous person with any part of my life. However, I sensed that God was quite pleased with my approach and my effort. I never sensed that he was looking down on me shaking his head in disgust. As I have grown in my faith, I have increased my giving. Certainly it's a process, a process of growing trust and understanding. While I am still well below the traditional tithing level of 10%, I still sense that God is pleased with my approach and my effort. When it is time to do something more or to step out in faith futher, I am sure he'll let me know.

(Part 2 of a 2 part series)

Tithing I

Are you kidding me? 10%! Really? ... Really? Don't even get me started about arguments over gross vs. net. The subject of tithing has been on my mind for some time. I have been seeking out information from reliable sources and have been talking to folks from my church to find out what they actually do in this regard. Here is what I have found out:

• The bible speaks of tithing but I do not believe that this is part of the new covenant, it belongs more to the Old Testament rules and regulations. I sense that God is pleased when we give what we can with a joyful heart and spirit. However, the notion of "first fruits" is entirely relevant here. "Honor the Lord with they substance, and with the first fruits of all thine increase.". In other words, in dealing with your income, planning for God's kingdom should be handled first. All too often we look at what's left over after paying all of our monthly debts and hand over to God the crumbs.
  
• It seems that everyone that I have talked to who works for my church tithes. I do not know the level at which they give, but I suspect that they follow the Old Testament reference of 10%.
  

Honestly, the notion of tithing is an uncomfortable one for me. It is a topic that I struggle with, that I try to avoid, that I would rather not have to consider. It boils down to not really wanting to know what God requires of me so that I don't have to face up to the fact that I don't have all that much money left over after the bills are paid for the mortgage, the car, the electricity, the water, the child care, the insurance, the food, ... . I am happy to give what I give when it is on my terms, when it doesn't inconvenience me or impact me in any noticeable manner. Dang it, I have gotten used to living a certain way and any notion of real tithing just cannot fit into my budget.

(Part 1 of a 2 part series)

T.V. Generation

I grew up watching T.V., hours and hours of it every day and night. I probably spent more time watching T.V. than any other single activity with the possible exception of sleeping. This was even long before the days of hundreds of channels, before there was any sort of selection. I watched T.V. because there (apparently) was nothing else to do. As I grew up and went off to college, I had a host of new responsibilities with course work and homework and lab work and, well, you get the picture. However, I still made time to follow a subset of shows (and let's not forget all those baseball, football, and basketball games) and then veg out in front of the T.V. after I had taken care of all of my responsibilities. After college, work and family matters and real world activities took over more and more and I watched less and less T.V.. Heck, now I can't even think of a single program that I would rearrange my schedule to watch, and that includes the World Series and the Super Bowl. In fact, to give you some basis for understanding how dramatically things have changed since I was a youth, I have not followed a show regularly since Seinfeld went off the air, and this was more than 10 years ago. Every now and then as I am passing by the old set, I could swear I hear a sigh. A sigh of loneliness and change and please come back, but, alas, I keep walking as there (apparently) is something else to do.

A House Divided

I spend about an hour every day driving back and forth from home to work (two round trips × 15 minutes per leg = 60 minutes). I try to make the most of this reasonably quiet time. I may have a book with me that I read when stuck in traffic or waiting at a stop light. I might plan out my work schedule or think about what chores at home need to be completed. I also often find my driving time quite useful for some alone time to pray and be with God and talk to him about what's on my mind. This all sounds reasonably commendable. However, driving into work today, I found my mind and my heart were embroiled in an important conflict. The issue at hand comes straight from scripture in Matthew 12:25:

"Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand". (Popularized by Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 as "A house divided against itself cannot stand.")

While I was having some alone time with God and thinking about some bible verses that I had been given to consider by a friend of mine, I came across a motorist who couldn't decide which way they wanted to go and ended up blocking three lanes of traffic. Without disengaging my mind from my silent dialog with the most high God, my mouth blurted out "What a selfish idiot.". Immediately I was filled with disgusted amazement about how God could have my mind while the devil controlled my tongue. I am continually amazed about how much effort it takes for me to be courteous and mindful of others and how my negative and selfish nature always seems to be in control, even when I don't realize it. What's even more relevant for me is that the verses that I was given to read from my friend were from Romans chapters 7 and 8. For those not familiar with these chapters, they have to do with our sinful nature (among other things). Romans 7:15 says "What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate.". Romans 7:17 says "So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.". Kind of interesting how when I focus on a particular set of bible verses that I immediately stumble upon practical relevance in my own daily existence.

Modern-Day Alchemy

I was driving along when I passed by what was supposed to be an "upscale" car dealership. This is the kind of place where I imagine they give you a shiatsu massage while you contemplate whether you want the option package including the built in hang glider or the ejection seat. The kind of outfit where all of the seating arrangements are covered in fine Corinthian leather and the smell of musk fills the air. The salespeople all wear overly tailored suits and speak in fake-sounding, affected European accents. They are trying as much to sell you an image or feeling as they are trying to sell you an exotic and expensive car. I am sure they hold regular staff meetings about how to act more snooty and how to avoid making eye contact with the clientele. I am sure that you can picture the scene.

Well if this is what is appears to be, how come a brief drive-by survey of their lot included two (count 'em two) Dodge Neons and what looked to be a 1980 Ford pickup with lovely rust stains on the doors? These pièces de résistance were parked humorously amongst the BMWs and Audis. Did they think that they were fooling anyone here? Did they not even stop to consider that this was doing damage to the cultivated image that they were trying to maintain? Did they somehow believe in some kind of modern-day alchemy that if they parked these low-end vehicles near more expensive ones that some sort of transformation might occur? Yeah, that's gotta be the explanation. It's the only one that I can come up with that makes any sense.

Book Lost

I usually have a cache of books that I am reading and a separate list of books waiting in the wings that I plan to read (see my Shelfari list). For the first time in the past 3 years or so, both of these queues are empty and it is getting to me. I have really felt the void during the last couple of days. There are standard times of the day that I look forward to grabbing my book du jour and escaping for some alone time. This might be at lunch time, when I am sitting in traffic, or in the evening after the little one is in bed. I'm used to carrying my books around with me wherever I go. Since I completed my last read, I have been instinctively reaching for my reading material, only to remember that my holster is empty. Argh. I say argh!

I try to keep my ear to the ground for books that have received good reviews or come with strong recommendations from my friends. In fact, nearly all of my favorite books from the past couple of years have been suggestions from others. This is really great as I would not otherwise have known about them or pursued them. So, let me know what I might enjoy or what might challenge me.